Consumed

 We walked around in all the corners of our minds, and sometimes never discussed about our finds.

We sail through the rough waters, and parade our brave faces when they encounter.

I know all your thoughts, and I wonder would you reach the depths of mine?

Are we to stay on the shallow end?

Just stay here till we can pretend?

I’ve wasted parts of my being, ignored and left alone to my minds rambling things.

I questioned myself so many times.

How did I ever get these things off my mind.

A life full of passionate feels, dried up with some broken dreams.

You don’t want a life with me. You want a life of your dreams.

I don’t want a life at times, because I realise how alone I am at all times.

I see mothers praise their kids all the time,

I see fathers proud of their children's dreams.

I see lovers whose love burns so brightly from within,

I see friends who can share their dreams,

I see husbands doing all for their wives,

And I just see.

This is all there is left of me.

A soul gnawing away at itself… slowly till there is nothing. 

The year 2020

At the onset of December 2019, I decided to head back home from a city which I thought I found a start in my career. 2019 was also the year I decide to shift my base from my home town back to the city where I started my career, perhaps for a fresh jolt in my career, well things don't pan out the way u think, and the shifting and relocations made me use up all of my savings and I returned pretty much broke and out of work. 

I thought the year was not so good...came home to see my grandmom who well after a week passed away suddenly! It was the 27th of December also the day my husband celebrates his birthday. So i do have mixed feelings for the day now. Anyhoo...I thought perhaps things won't be so bad, but to my surprise 2020 had a year filled with more surprises. China had seen the Corona outbreak and it was now spreading rapidly. By February many nations succumbed to it and by march my country went onto a full lockdown. 

Many lost jobs, many got paycuts, economy was shaky... India and China at loggerheads and on a brink of a war,  a brilliant actor's death turned a nation debate fiercely about whether it was murder or a sucide. A-list actors dragged to NCB on drug charges, and the nation saw a weird battle of media channels. Social media became a platform to connect and create groups and fight in unity for the same causes. 

September came still out of work, penniless and worthless made me pick up a brush and I started painting after perhaps after 15years but it was the only thing that felt good and I connected with. Still in lockdown.

October came and DurgaPujas which are a huge thing in Bengali culture seemed like it never arrived, because there were no dhaks playing at the backdrop, no blaring mics or whole night events in the para. Some places maybe but largely very quiet. I had flu, people in the family had dengue it was a covid scare and well nothingness preveiled.

November approaching soon, and still will be penniless. But more importantly I realized this year, that what a hollow and meaningless life we live. There are no joys or sorrows to share, many people perished and things are just getting from bad to worse. There are droughts, floods, famines, covid, death...what does all of this mean? 

2020 around the world has been tough for many families, sure I have omitted some very scaring and personal things in this post, but I just can't seem to find any zeal, nothing to look forward to and a future so unsure that i am even scared to imagine. Which is why I choose to be an ostrich till this storms wears off.

While I was growing up, I thought that when I would earn I would have enough to make my life and my parents life comfortable...at 35 already it seems that my career has ended and well I'm not sulking but everything seems quiet pointless as if I am just floating by and wasting my whole existence. 

I just keep asking myself what are we here for surely there should be something I can look forward to...but truth is there isn't...I can only wait to maybe see if something works out but honestly nothing!

Well this was one of those I feel like this right now, maybe will feel something else later but right now ...this is exactly how I have been feeling the entire 2020 a year which is just weird! It gets from bad to worse... just when u think u have seen the worst it surprises you with a new low.

Us is we've all got

Sunset bu the hour,
Waiting by the door
I can see the shadow lurking
Somewhere, that I know

Put another coat
of painted little smiles
let all the voices drown out the cries

Yellow fills the heart
Blue drips off the soul
and radiating rainbow
is beyond any control


There is no hope
There is no god
But there is us
and us is all we've got

The room will always talk
Some eyes will never see
Your inner glow will just be

How can you talk?
How can you share?
Those who hear
will only have to pretend

There is no hope
There is no god
But there is us
and us is all we've got

Let's run away
to those early days
Chasing idleness
with starry eyes

The collective laughs
The meaningful gibber
The senseless chatter
The heartfelt joys

There is no hope
There is no god
But there is us
and us is all we've got

black

Holding onto the black ink,
Your hand is mess, but your head is clear.
Your white sheets are filled in a blink
you are the captain of your thoughts,
and all the trouble in there will wrought 

Turn up the music, to lower all that noise
the clutter feels all the same, the distresses have their own voice.
Red ears, racing heat and all those incidents happening inside your head
are not real. breathe!

black box

It's a dark box! It's glass and u can see everything around u. But u are not participating. You open ur eyes and u brush ur teeth, stand under the water...but ur body feels like stone. U simply put on ur clothes have a cup of tea and rush. But ur still inside this huge black room. Everything and everyone appears to be talking to u from far. U forget! U need to write or create, u just want to shut out everyone. U want to hear music , read something and not be part of this sham. It's pointless. U don't feel anything....but u feel everything and all at once. U have to be this person ur not. You don't want to talk nothing excites you anymore. Perhaps a walk would do, perhaps at the edge of a cliff u want to sit...watch the sunrise or sunset. Ur trapped. Every inch of ur body aches. Every inch of it feels like stone. Ur exhausted. U want to sleep but as you lay down, the day starts playing in ur head. Before you know it ur alarm rings. U wake up and then u just want to sleep! And the rhythm continues...

Nothing yet everything

You heard the giggles, and the awkward smile.
You try to ignore them and let them pass by.
A fleeting glance to recognize those faces,
your hands are cold and your heart races.
You pick up the pieces of yourself and walk on
those harsh words are only here to judge without concerns.

Judgement is for the one above,
whose heart is filled with nothing but love
The dark comes with the light
and peace will not exist without a fight
Words can only mean so much
the heart feels more emotions that words cant touch!

You are more, beyond and nothing
Yet you are omnipresence of being, of everything.
You are here and you are now
You are as bright as the blackest day.

who has the remote?

Loud explosions, I looked out and the cars parked went flying into the air one after the other, I could hear commotion. I thought to myself how did the car just blow up in sequence? I quickly realized that "terror" was here. 

"Lock the doors" and "turn off everything. Do not make a sound and hide yourself" I said. While I kept on hearing the loud "thuds" and explosions of cars. I quietly sneaked out into the corridors to see if the grill was locked to the passage of the floor that we were on. I could hear footsteps, and glass lying around, broken tube lights in the passage. It was a mess. I quickly locked the grill and turned the lock and made my way towards the flat that we were all hiding in. I woke up!

Maybe I am watching too much television, maybe too much of action movies, or maybe I'm watching too much of the September 11th attacks. Whatever it is - it is a manifestation of fear. Dreams don't lie and that's universe's way of communicating with you.

I often laugh and tell my close ones that when I'm sleeping - it's like watching a film. My brains cooks up cool plots and story lines that I cannot imagine in my waking life. But if I dig deep i know it's all about control.

As we grow older, we forget how simple life is, we are controlled by our surroundings, our environment, our peers, our friends, our relatives, our society. Even though I live by my rules, I can hear myself holding back. Life is not like those wonderful quotes you read, or some lines that a great leader said somewhere. 

Truest form of freedom is something I'm yet to comprehend and understand. For now all I want is my remote in my hand. 

Work according to my skill set
Plan a holiday as and when I please
Buy things that are not constrained by my pocket size
Meet people who can explain to me more about the universe
Travel to all those places I read about, where history made it's greatest mark
Eat food that fills my soul
Paint, draw, sing, dance, read

What if only women existed

International woman's day - one day entire day where your facebook timeline is filled up with people wishing all the woman around the world. All sorts of messages are being communicated - some say they wait for day that both genders are equal, some speak of the unspeakable horrors that one goes through. While all of this drama unfolds within the digital space, and I sit on my desk with a cup of coffee and reading through these messages I stop to think what if only women existed - how would our world be different. Would there be less violence?

Rape would need a new definition, fashion would be completely different since our perception of beauty will be completely different. What would world leaders fight over? War would mean more of mind games and verbal spats instead of guns. The economy will change since countries will not need ammunitions and artilleries. Will streets be named after shoes styles? Will  food be wasted less? what will the religious fanatics now fight for?

Just saying - we might need to reinvent/rediscover the way we live today. One thing will be for sure - there will colors...and maybe perhaps a bit of glitter at the corners.

#foodforthought