when.... i want!!!

when love is dead i want to love an angel..
when hope is gone, i want wings of my own,
when its dark, i want to be black..
when its bright, i want to be the sun..
when its windy, i want to be the cloud..
when the doors are shut, i want to be the key..
when tears are dry,i want to be the eye..
when colour runs, i want to be the paint..
when the picture is blank, i want to be the brush..
when its raining i want to be the window..
when there is a storm i want to be the lightening..
when nothing makes any sense, i want to be the reason..
when there is no sound, i want to be the silence..
when music lays i want to be the lyrics..
when wounds become numb, i want to do it again..
when im feeling dead, i want to feel again..
when i when to kill myself, i want to feel my heart beating..
when the blood drips, i want to be real..
when im alone, i want to be just myself..

want to spread my wings and fly!!!and be diluted in my world...although isolation is not a choice ...yet i somehow enjoy it!!!anywhere i go ...

rubbish!

the weird thing about my life is that there is this constant feeling of being lonely...and everytime im aware of it & that im alone amidst a crowd..i get goosebumps..
and my tummy feels awkwardly..light and funny!!and suddenly i start feeling cold..my heart starts beating fast.. and in that moment i try my best to feel happy and that im enjoying peoples, company..or im enjoying being alone...but...who am i looking for?i cannot understand....i cannot understand why i want to feel so secured.. why cant i be happy with what i have.. maybe if i did then i wouldnt be a human....

i wouldnt need to perhaps make this journey...but anyway.. i guess right now as of right now..im not really going to get the answers, i hav e to wait.. which of course i hate..with my kind of patience level its difficult to attain anything, i cant even keep standing still for even a second..

a whole bunch of chaotic thoughts running wild in my head...
like caught in frenzy ....voices yelling, screaming, shouting..feels all like a bad dream...but it should be okay...
disharmony really cant stay for long right? but why do i feel as if that im shut in this box?
why do i feel like screaming..so loud that all the muscles in my body start aching?

feel like tearing myself apart...cutting though my skin, to see the blood rush out...madness..yep im a psychopath..but welcome to my realty.. no drugs, no weed, no lsd...none of that..
plain old me...with my mucked up diluted head..and nothing to constrain me from the bloody reality...

strange how.. im recalling this song novembe rain...today..
the words lingering..and the voices yelling beside...kind of a weird mixture in my head..and there ae these voices that are taunting, some that are laughing out loud...

wonder how can i contain this anger in me...this wild rage that storms through my head..that really wants to be unleashed..this insanity that keeps driving me mad!!!!!!!!!!!!

why wont you believe me? why do u hurt me? hy why why...i nev wanted this ..to be this way... i never wanted u to feelmy pain in magnitutde that i did..
why cant yo u realise what i feel?instead of pointing the finger at me?

why do u alays scream?why do u always leave me alone...

Nevermind all these chaotic thoughts taking me eally nowhere....just hurting more..
honestly..im not a very sad person.. jus that right now im disturbed...


everything will be okay.. maybe ill laugh he ill read this.. maybe i wont lets see what happens...

Don’t believe in fear, don’t believe in fate
Don’t believe in anything that you cant break
You stupid girl , you stupid girl
All you had to waste it, all you had to waste it

You pretend your high,
Pretend your bored
Pretend your everything
What you get is what you give
What drives u on can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself is all you have

Don’t believe in Love, don’t believe in hate
Don’t believe in anything that you cant break
You stupid girl
Cant believe you fake it
Cant believe you fake it

-Garbage

thats right folk,in our daily lives all we do is simply fake our way through..all the tears we hide all the truth we turn into lies, all the emotions we neatly wrap up with just a simple, smile..what more...and some of us we choose to ignore the things that lie beaneath the pile of empiness kept inside..perhaps, u would like to ask me what is a pile of emptiness?to me its as heavy as an object..just too much of it will simply vanish you under its sheer pressure...

and that my friend is the truth..its hard to be the stupid girl...

but we all are at some point in our lives exactly her...

yes.. even the guys...

coomon on ppl its not the sex its the person, the soul..

its the feeling the soul feels..

life is bigger.. its bigger than everything.. than truth itself...

and what really counts is how we find ourselves in this journey called life

here its plain and very simple..

try not to miss this very simple point, well if you do.. u might justmiss out on rreally living it with meaning

think about it!

surely someday ill find my way!!!

who me?

im only but a small girl,i dont what i am doin here!!
a little reality check would help..but once again..isnt this virtual?